Category: Leadership

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Be interesting

Many moons ago, I was selected by my senior class to give our high school graduation address. At that time, I was filled with idealism and wonder – knowing I wanted to go out and change the world, truly make a positive impact. Therefore, it made sense for my graduation address, I talked about making a difference. First, I spoke about those who had made a difference in our lives – family, friends and our teachers. Now it was our turn. This was our time to step out into the world boldly and to make a difference.

As another graduation season is behind us and the parties come to an end, I was wondering if I would give that same speech or a version of it today. Would I challenge my classmates to make a difference? I don’t think so. Making a difference is too easy.

It isn’t much of a stretch to make a difference in the lives of those closest to us, or even in those we encounter everyday. As parents and aunts/uncles, as employees and bosses, as neighbors and friends – we step up and make someone’s day. On a small scale, we make a difference everyday – opening a door for someone, helping someone bag their groceries, offering directions when someone is lost, buying lunch for a colleague, or even allowing someone to go first at a four-way stop. Yeah, there are the few stragglers out there that carry a level of bitterness in their hearts, but they are the exception more than the rule. On an everyday scale, we easily can and do make a difference.

As social media has made us ever more connected – and disconnected – I find it more challenging to be interesting. I see daily reports of people telling us (and their 1,000 other closest friends) that they are going to bed, watching TV or are simply eating dinner. There is unhealthy debate and little to no dialogue. The character limit, limits our character. People aren’t interesting. And, if you think about, often you are scrolling because you are bored.

I admit, that I am as guilty and scrolling when I am bored. I am prone to posting a picture of the Mighty Mississippi and a glass wine while sitting on my deck. I will post the daily trivia of my life. I suspect people find it as boring as I do.

If today I could time travel back to that June day in 1988, I would not challenge people to make a difference, I would challenge them to go forth and be interesting. Don’t rush from your parent’s house, to the sorority/fraternity/dorm house to your husband’s/wife’s house. Don’t rush out to get a “real job”. Stop listening to Mom and Dad or others “shoulding” all over you – chop off those apron strings and explore! Become interesting.

Travel ON YOUR OWN (no family, no friends): Some of my most memorable experiences were when I traveled without family or friends. I met other solo travelers in Rome and for three days we were besties – eating, drinking and sight-seeing together. As is custom in Germany, when a restaurant is full and if you have an open chair at your table, people ask if they may join you. Once, in the height of the first Gulf War in 1991, I had two Iraqis sit with me. The ensuing conversation about the war was life altering. While traveling, I’ve missed trains and boats, been locked out of youth hostels, and it never fails I am asked for directions. Those experience not only helped me develop “creative problem solving,” but gave me great stories.

You don’t have to go solo, you can join a tour group as my niece did for her European adventure. She was courageous and bold to go on her own, met new friends and had once-in-a-lifetime experiences. The type of experience that won’t be done done justice via a tweet or post. Those types of life experiences are best shared over a beer at a favorite locale – and are rarely “mom and dad worthy.”

Volunteer: Be it for a couple hours, a few times a week or month, or even just once, find something you believe in and volunteer. I served meals in a soup kitchen once, only once. Yet, that one experience helped shape my thoughts and opinion on this travesty in our society. Yes, there are “slackers”, but many people are impoverished not because of lack of desire, but maybe because they had no health insurance and needed regular medicine for some type of illness, driving them to bankruptcy. Some were caught in a vicious downward spiral from an addiction (not always their own), or family history of abuse from which they needed to escape. Whatever their story, their situation had much more complexity than I might have otherwise thought. Prior to that experience, I would have thought the majority were lazy or foolish, or a bit of both. My heart and mind were opened that day.

Volunteers are always needed, so find a place to serve. Serve in a kitchen, build a house, review a resume for someone recently unemployed, shoot hoops as a Big Brother or Sister, provide water at a charity race. Listen to the stories of those you help by simply giving a few hours, a day or week. Impact a life. Change yours.

Read, read, read: How easy is it to come home, look at your social media feed and get lost for a couple hours? Or, flick on the TV and mindlessly gaze at the screen, remote in hand, flipping channels. Once I gave all that up and shut down. During Lent, it is a tradition in my faith to “give something up.” One year, I gave up TV.

I didn’t give up TV to get closer to my spouse or spend more time with my kids. I lived alone then as I do today. So, instead, I read the paper, fiction and nonfiction books. Throughout that time, was able to learn and focus – focus on what was happening around me as well as within me.

Spend time alone: And for heaven’s sake, learn to be alone. I know most of the world are extroverts and find it terrifying to even take a walk to the end of the driveway alone. I’m not saying be a hermit, but if you aren’t comfortable alone, how will others be comfortable with you? It is ok to take an evening and journal, think and reflect. Go on a retreat if you can – escape for a weekend to a lake shore if you are really brave. Whatever it is, be able to just be. Who knows, you might like more of what you uncover

than you think.

No, I don’t think I’d tell my classmates to make a difference. They will do that naturally as part of who they are. Rather, my message then and today would be: Go forth, my friends and be interesting. Spend time finding out WHO you want to be when you grow up, not what. Travel as much and as far as you can. And if you can’t do that, pick up a book and go on a vicarious adventure. Meet many people, hear their stories and develop compassion and empathy for life journeys that are vastly different than your own. Broaden your mind, fill your world with once in lifetime experiences.

Then, when you’ve done that, don’t send a post. Let’s grab a beer and swap tales. Let’s be interesting together.

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The useless performance review

We are at that time of the year – mid-year reviews. When I think about managing people, especially those who might have been in the workplace for a longer period of their life or even Gen Z or Millennials, I believe more and more how antiquated performance reviews are. I’ve always thought they are simply a legal document, a CYA so if you need to lay someone off or fire them, it provides the documentation to do so. It is for those “gotcha” moments. And, I understand we live in a litigious society and we’ve evolved to this place where that documentation is needed.

When I think of my Dad in the workplace, I know he worked hard and he didn’t care about promotions and fancy titles or offices with doors. When he worked the day shift, he was home at night for dinner and would attend my softball or soccer games. When he worked the night shift, he would make me breakfast or kiss me goodbye as I came home from school as he left for work. And those days he worked graveyard, I didn’t really see him at all. I don’t think he cared about meet expectations, exceeded expectations or needs improvement. I think he just wanted to come in, do his job and get on with his life – focus on the things he really valued.

Today’s “blue collar workers” are those in the office. With technology and dynamic economy, the blue collar worker is one who works 8 – 5, with an hour for lunch, sits at a desk, manipulating spreadsheets, writing reports or creating slide decks. They are presenting, selling an idea or project, and pretend that this latest “gadget” is something they about which they are passionate – until they move to a new job and then they start drinking the kool-aid there.

In today’s dynamic workplace, I wonder what value performance reviews offer. I graduated from high school, college, completed a master’s degree, why do I continue to need to be graded – and if I do need to be graded, am I being graded on anything that really matters?

What I feel is lacking in performance reviews is motivating people to perform well based on what will matter at the end of a lifetime. Do you take a moment and congratulate someone on balancing their personal and professional commitments well? Do we celebrate when someone took a moment to step back to bring others along, to help a colleague be successful and build up the team? We measure results, but we don’t always take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate the moments, the moments when someone showed kindness, consideration and gave a person a break for having a bad day.

I am a believer the results will come when you unite a team around the common goal – and the team knows they are there for each other, that each member is more concerned about the others success then their own. So what if we switched the narrative from an individual performance review to a team review? We started to communicate that we want more unity rather than individualism? To show we really believed everyone can lead from their chair and can lead in moment?

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Silencing voices

Let’s go deeper into what happens to your team when you have dog syndrome.

Recently at my performance review, my boss at the time told me to speak up more, to use my voice. She said she knows I understand the business and have great insights. She encouraged me to offer those insights in the moment. This is the same person who is rich on criticism and light on praise.

Since that point, I have a new boss and her insecurity has come out. She often feels the need to recite her credentials, her experiences and put others’ credentials and experience down in the process. It is the attitude of “I’ve done this before – bigger and better than any of you.” Her intent isn’t to malign, rather it comes from a place of needing to prove herself, let us know she is worthy of our respect and trust.

In both of these cases, the last thing I want to do is compete. I can compete in bowling or a board game. And in my youth my competitive streak ran deep on the soccer or softball field. I was fiercely determined in high school and college academically. It was well known when I set my mind to something, it got done. It was done well and I won.

That same fervor isn’t there for me in the workplace especially I now work in an organization that really does have a greater purpose – something in which I believe. That makes the work more rewarding. And, all the more reason I don’t want to compete with my colleagues or my boss.

And so when the insecurity comes out in my boss, I just let it go. I do as I am told and walk away. I go home and snuggle my furry pals. My voice is silenced by someone else’s insecurity. I don’t compete with that gaping hole in someone else’s life because I can’t fill their cup. I can listen, I can advise and coach, and I can affirm. But, I won’t compete for space or go to battle over non-substantive matters. My voice will go silent not because I am weak, but because the “care” has been driven out of me. I play the political game, then close down and move on.

I’m not alone in this behavior. How many of us have heard our friends or family say, “I just go to work and do what I’m told.” My Dad use to say that. He and many others have chosen to silence their voice rather than compete. When really, what I or anyone else wants is the thrive through collaboration, knowing our thoughts, battle scars and life learnings are valued and needed. We want to contribute, but instead ego gets in the way and we go silent.

I will never understand how some of the most insecure people I’ve met tend to also be in top leadership roles in companies. What did someone see in them because from here in the trenches, it doesn’t make sense. And some of the best people I know, whose voices have been silenced, could show up and lead from a place of practical experience, intellectual curiosity and empathy since they have been there, in the trenches. They know. They could be those blue collar leaders.

The say the cream doesn’t rise to the top and what I have described is a vicious circle – the ones who lead are the ones who silence those who could and likely should. How much are losing in not encouraging people to live to their fullest potential. How is that circle broken? I’ll let you know when I figure it out. But right now, I’m going to snuggle my fur babies.

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Overcoming the dog syndrome

After watching my Dad and in my twenty some years in the workplace, mostly spent as a middle manager, I found that executives are also human. And that comes with all the frailty humans bring into their interactions with others. This includes self-doubt, wanting to prove themselves and a desire to be valued for the gifts and talents they bring to the table.

On the other side are the people they manage who have those same desires. Often to them, however, success isn’t measured by a title or salary, it is by getting shit done. Checking off the list and moving onto the next thing. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to understand or even be part of the development of the strategy. They do – and they want to see the results of those efforts. They want to experience the thrill of the strategy being executed and obtaining goals. They want to get shit done.

These might be individual contributors like my Dad was or they could be middle managers like me. When these two levels come together – the middle manager or individual contributor and the executive – there is bound to be conflict.

Sometimes the conflict is on the how, and more often is it on the what. Newer leaders often say, “hey, what if we did xyz?” and portray it as an original idea, as their own. When in reality, last week or even last year, the middle manager or individual contributor did just that or even mentioned we should do xyz. However, the newer leader or executive needs to leave their imprint. To put it bluntly, like a dog, they need to piss on another’s work or ideas to establish their territory.

It doesn’t take much to realize how demotivating this is to the team. I’ve seen it happen. The team disengages, doesn’t feel empowered and just waits to be told to do the next big “original” idea that is going to ‘fix’ what is broken. In the meantime, the team moves blithely along doing what works for them because even if they did want to contribute differently, it would be devalued or stolen as an executive initiative.

It is obvious as I write this to see that this behavior isn’t helpful to grow, expand or motivate people or evolve an organization. What should be done? First, start by releasing the ego. This is the first, and hardest thing for executives to do. They reached the heights they did because of their egos and to let go of that, to take a more servant leader approach, is threatening to them. It means change – and for as much as executives talk about change management they aren’t good at it – especially when one of life’s main (de)motivators gets in the way – fear. Fear of losing their job, fear of not looking smart and fear of not looking capable. Fear is behind the executive leaders behaviors – including behaving like a dog and staining their territory.

To overcome the dog syndrome is to be self aware and curious. Be aware when you as an executive leader are peeing on your team. How do you do this? Before spewing an idea, ask your team and be curious. “What do you think if we…” Or, I’ve noticed you’ve been doing things this way and it looks more complicated than it needs to be. Is that a right observation? What would help you do your job better?” And the all time classic, “Have you all ever done this before?”

This simple starting point of curiosity will acknowledge your teams competence, without diminishing yours. It also is a step to inviting your team into new ideas or changes, making them not just part of the solution, but part of the ideation, growth, evolution. You’ll ignite a spirit of possibilities to get to the heart of their motivation – getting shit done.

Not only will you bring out the best in your team to move your organization forward, you will also bring out the best of yourself.

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A Culture of And

I switched jobs at the beginning of the year. I liked my previous job and the company, and it was time to move on. And. It is a word I am using more these days.

I left and came back to my previous company. My dad was glad I went back. He didn’t say it at the time, but he thought I left too soon after Mom’s death. Going back provided me stability. It was a good run. Yet, my previous company was a deeply patriarchal, intensely political, public, Fortune 500 company. It was driven by profit, at the expense of the people – no matter how many times they said people mattered. It is was also a “but” company.  

A ‘but’ company looks for fault. Someone presents on a project. The leadership looks for what is wrong, poking holes which stops forward movement. The presenter then reworks, revises and re-presents a multitude of times, answering all the ‘buts,’ yet never getting the yes. A ‘but’ company is not prone to taking risks nor does it help people reach their fullest potential.

That is how I felt for years – always hitting the ‘but’ and not moving. The numbers proved that out as well. For the last four years, the division I worked in experienced slowing growth, and in some areas contraction. The ‘but’ prevented the company from investing in newer technologies, procedures or training. The ‘but’ stops, not starts.

I now work for a Fortune 500, non-profit services company. The CEO is a woman, the division in which I work is also led by a woman. The people are kind, collaborative as well as supportive. And, it is an ‘and’ company. An ‘and’ company validates your opinions, builds on your original thinking or initiative and progresses. An ‘and’ culture makes a plan, works the plan and asks, what else? It is forward thinking. The ‘and’ starts conversation, builds momentum and allows great minds to flourish.

Moving to an ‘and’ company has been a shift for me, and it is a culture I like. I find I do not get caught in this spiral into nothingness. I am beginning to shed the layers of protectiveness and armor and sink into this culture of ‘and’. It is liberating, and a bit scary.

A culture of ‘and’ means accountability. There is nothing to hide behind, no lack of leadership to blame. A culture of ‘and’ demands that people step up, try, fail quickly, learn and move on. And, it is a culture of freedom. I can bring thoughts, ideas to the table. I don’t need to have the details fully fleshed out because I am one in a group of smart people, each bringing diverse talent and skills to the table. Unlike a ‘but’ culture, I am not alone or commiserating with other. I am an ‘and’. And you. And us.

I am still growing into this new role, this new culture. And I think my Dad would be proud that I found my space, feel like I can reach my potential. I am coming into my own. I like it. I like the liberation from buts, moving into the space of ands. I now catch myself when I am about to say, ‘but’ and quickly think, how can I make this an ‘and’. How can I share in and be part of this beauty to bring the best of myself to the table, and create the space and opportunity for others to do the same? An ‘and’ culture works, and that is exciting.

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Respect is Earned, Not Given

One summer, I was working as a waitress at a community hall. My Dad helped me get the job. It was a great summer job with great tips. The uniform for the position was black pants, white shirt and black shoes. It was the early 1990’s and it was common to tuck your pants into your socks. As I was sitting in the living room, Dad told me I shouldn’t tuck my pants into my socks. It wasn’t the uniform.

I was home from college and of course, immensely independent. He mentioned something about the chef set the rules for attire and I wasn’t obeying the rule. Dad said, the chef is the boss and deserves my respect. The chef wasn’t the best person. He was grabby and sexist. He was moody and definitely not a leader. I snapped at Dad when he commanded that I follow this guy’s direction that respect is earned and not given. Dad stopped in his tracks and said, “Well, I can’t argue with that.”

I encounter this idea that because someone holds a position, and only because they are in that position, that respect should be given. “He’s the boss” was the phrase used with me just the other day. Yet, the behavior isn’t worthy of my respect.

There is a balance we need to maintain. Between earning respect, giving respect and the practicality of living. You don’t want to lose your job, but yet, you don’t want to be disrespected. How do you balance? Simple – be worthy of respect first. Respect is a two-way street. Be one who is worthy of respect, and respect will also be given.

You can’t control others – their behaviors, beliefs, values. But you can control your own. That doesn’t mean you tolerate what is intolerable. But it does mean you can respond differently. Take in gratitude. Learn from the interaction about who you are, how you react and what you can become. Continue to become who you were designed to be. Respect is earned, not given. That goes for you too.

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Treat Me Nicely

On Christmas Day, 1994, my Grandmother had a stroke. When we got the call, we of course jumped in the car and drove the 40 minutes to the hospital. Once there, we visited with her, got the download from the nurses. Then, we sat in the hospital room in silence for a long time.  We listened to the dripping of the IV and the tone of the heart monitor.  Mom and Dad left no more than a half hour after they arrived. They went to the house to see how Grandpa was and to check if he wanted to come to the hospital. Still weak from his own surgery and hospitalization, Grandpa couldn’t drive.  Grandma and I were alone .

Nurse Mary came in. She handed Grandma two blue sheets of paper stapled together. “Adeline, have you thought of a living will? It is a statement of how you want to be treated.  Federal law requires that I ask you about it and provide you with information.  It is just a statement of how you want to be treated.” “Nicely,” Grandma said. “I want to be treated nicely.” I felt my chest tighten and a tear swell up in my eye. “Nicely,” she said again. “I’ll have the chaplain come by tomorrow and talk to you about it.” Nurse Mary left.

Grandma looked at the paper on her tray. Then she handed it to me. “You look at it.” Her eyes had grown weak from diabetes and she had difficulty reading anything with small print.  I took the blue sheets from her. I read them over. They asked her to consider her values and life. Did she want her life to be prolonged by artificial means if there was no other way she could live? Did she want to donate her organs? I told Grandma all of this. “Nicely” was enough.

Those few words have stuck with me, Treat Me Nicely. What a great message for leaders. The other day, I wasn’t treated nicely. I was called out at a meeting with many people for something in my mind is simple, easily corrected with a little kindness and conversation. The worst part, is it was our general manager for the division. Not cool boyfriend. Not cool.

I think sometimes those in the highest leadership positions forget the impact their words and actions can have. In many organizations, the face-to-face interaction an executive may have with a person is short. If they aren’t thinking I need to make a strong, powerful impact in this short moment to motivate, inspire and lead, they are missing an opportunity.

I understand life and business moves fast and can be stressful. But, in those moments it is even more important to step back, take a breath and be thoughtful with our choice of words. Yet, I find the simple practices of kindness, humility and service to others are absent in today’s leadership teachings. Maybe it is my company, but maybe not.

It seems like the leadership philosophy today is dependent on command/control, the hierarchy and “trickle down” to bring a strategy to life. And yet, so few leaders with whom I interact are taking the time to bring out the best in their people. What is most concerning is, it isn’t hard to inspire people. Be kind. Be honest. Be courageous enough to talk to people 1:1 when there is an issue. Help him or her work toward a solution, rather than complain about the problem.

Leading isn’t as hard as people make it. Leading is basic human decency. It is as simple as my Grandma made it, treat me nicely.

Follow me on Twitter @dadslastproject or e-mail me at dadslastproject@gmail.com

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Be a Trash Collector

My Dad never had a college diploma, a corner office with a door. Nor did he ever have a fancy title. But I learned a lot from him about leadership by listening to him speak about how he was managed.

“The garbage man means more to me than some CEO.” I understand that. CEOs come and go, but if the trash at the curb isn’t picked up on week, it attracts all sorts of vermin – mice, rats, flies, raccoons. The list goes on.

I once read that communications with employees should be results-driven, strategically focused and speak to the measurable results. It is about telling your team what they need to know to do their jobs and work with customers effectively. Do you know what I say to that? Bullshit. 

Throughout my career, I’ve had the opportunity of working with executives while I held various titles. I started as an executive assistant, served as the head for corporate communications and worked with executives who were the president or general managers of a business. In each position, I’ve counselled and worked with executives on their internal communications, never more closely than I was an executive assistant. And, let’s face, executive assistants are the real advisers to any executive. They not only have access to the executive, they have his/her unwavering trust. They have to. Few things can be kept from the executive assistant in order for him/her to the job effectively.

I can say that after working with executives for over 20 years, their communications should never be about business results, but should be about about the people. But, when they stand in front of the group, they tell business results, talk about strategy, and key initiatives. They may provide some recognition, it is usually about a big win.  

I’ve worked close enough with these executives that in their minds they know the true differentiation for the business is their people. Yet, they have a tough time releasing that potential. They feel it is more important to tell the “State of the Union” then to inspire the team by painting a vision and building a culture which will sustain the success. Often, it can come across as cold, unauthentic and downright inhuman – another talking head.

I call the type of leadership that inspires and calls out the best in people Blue Collar Leadership TM. Blue Collar Leadership is getting out of the corner office and onto the production floor or walking through the maze of cubicles. Dad liked it when his boss knew how to do his job, or enough to at least give him some credibility when speaking to the team. Those leaders speak plainly and honestly. They were transparent about reality. They don’t call problems “opportunities” – they call a spade a spade, honoring the intelligence and street smarts of the people.

These types of executives build genuine connections and care for the people who get shit done every day. They recognize it isn’t the person who is in the office, but on the floor or pounding the streets who is aware of the issues, potential solutions and is willing to go the extra yard to make it happen. In part, because it will make his/her job easier. Yet, I also believe those are the people who want to help others. They aren’t looking for the next rung up the ladder, they are up and down that ladder everyday, lending a helping hands to others and they make things happen.

Throw out all you’ve read about “executive presence” or fancy MBA speak. Stop talking results and initiatives. Get real. Get honest. Get dirty. Remember, the trash collector is more important than a CEO. Be a trash collector.